Miscarriage.

This was meant to be written yesterday, when I still had high hopes, but I have lost all of that, after going for a follow-up earlier today.

My brief happiness came in the previous week, when I got a positive on my home urine pregnancy test (UPT), but it was a very faint line. My menses was late for 18 days, which is the longest I ever had. Plus the nauseous feeling, frequent headache, mild cramping, and sore breasts. I was worried, nervous but excited to see that second line. I have been trying to conceive (TTC) for more than a year; of course I was totally joyous.

The next day, I tested again, using digital UPT (Clearblue) and got this.

UPT the previous day.

My hands were totally shaking when showing the digital UPT to my parents. That very morning, I went to a clinic and the doctor did ultrasound scan but could not see any gestational sac. He suspected I was having an ectopic pregnancy, and wrote a referral letter to Likas Hospital for further investigation and tests. So, worries started to come in. At the hospital, I did ultrasound scan twice, UPT once and a beta HCG blood test. I had some brownish discharge by that time of UPT. The UPT result was a weak positive, and my HCG level for the blood test was 190mIU/ml, which confirmed a pregnancy, but too low for a 7 week pregnancy. I was admitted into the ward to wait for that blood test result (four hours after the test) and did another scan at that middle of the night. The doctors still could not find anything in my uterus, so they concluded that it was an early pregnancy and that I should come back a week later for retests. Still had to wait for morning to come until I could be discharged. And I cried in fear that night.

The sad hospital meal.

The next day (Tuesday), I had to go for a 2.5 hour road trip back to workplace, went to school like usual on Wednesday. Then, the bleeding came. Red flow, just like in regular period. Thursday, I  did two UPT and the lines were getting fainter. I still went to the clinic, but I could not think straight so I gathered my courage to go to the clinic, because I hate going to the doctors. There, I received the most heartbroken news: I was having a miscarriage. The doctor did a scan, and she only could see some blood clots in my uterus. Then I needed to wait for another week for all the blood to come out for it to be a complete miscarriage.

The blood clot, where the arrow is.

Based on my readings, I might be having a chemical pregnancy. I am crying my heart out for few days now. I secluded myself from others, am doing some confinement and taking few days sick leave from work. Earlier today, I went to the doctors again today, did a scan and nothing is left in my uterus. My UPT also has become a negative. And I still have another doctor's appointment tomorrow.

I don't know how this could happen. I prayed hard for this not to happen. I have experienced months of disappointments when monthly periods came, before I got this one positive test. Now, I have to deal with the sadness and grief alone, without my husband by my side. And I fear that I would not see the double lines for a long time. It's not everyday that I could see the husband; we are in a long distance marriage and we see each other once a month. And that time of the month is always not the right time as for my menstrual cycle days. And going back to stay at a place near the workplace alone is depressing enough. My heart breaks seeing babies or pregnant ladies outside and pictures of newly born babies on the social media, wondering how some could have a healthy pregnancy without much complication and I could not. I tried to soak up the positive comments I got like now I have the pregnancy hormones, my time will arrive soon, etc. Yet, deep inside, I could not escape the self-blaming and hating. Did I go for scans too early? Was I stressing out so much? Why can't I stop crying?

😢