Written Expressions

Life after the miscarriage I just had is really difficult. Colleagues kept on asking how I was, in which I would respond with a fake OK, frequent headaches, schoolwork, hospital asking me to go back for tests, feeling of desolation and isolation where I don't really feel like talking or hanging out with others, laughter in one minute and tears in another, and many other things have been pushing me deeper in dark hole of sorrow and misery. People tell me that things will get better. Yes, I know that, and I'm trying really hard to convince myself that, but 50% of me says 'Yes, totally!' and another 50% says 'No, don't keep hopes too high' and so many 'What ifs'. This is very to deal with, especially alone. I drive, I go to school, I watch TV, I play mobile games but my mind wonders elsewhere. I see double lines on pregnancy tests in all the TTC groups in Facebook that I join in, pregnant ladies and babies, and my heart saddens. I think I'm ...

This was meant to be written yesterday, when I still had high hopes, but I have lost all of that, after going for a follow-up earlier today. My brief happiness came in the previous week, when I got a positive on my home urine pregnancy test (UPT), but it was a very faint line. My menses was late for 18 days, which is the longest I ever had. Plus the nauseous feeling, frequent headache, mild cramping, and sore breasts. I was worried, nervous but excited to see that second line. I have been trying to conceive (TTC) for more than a year; of course I was totally joyous. The next day, I tested again, using digital UPT (Clearblue) and got this. UPT the previous day. My hands were totally shaking when showing the digital UPT to my parents. That very morning, I went to a clinic and the doctor did ultrasound scan but could not see any gestational sac. He suspected I was having an ectopic pregnancy , and wrote a referral letter to Likas Hospital for further investigatio...